Twenty years ago today, I was baptised. All these years on, what do I believe now?

Photo of me at 18 years old, bouncing high in the air, doing a backwards somersault, attached to a harness

 
Twenty years ago today, I was baptised. I was 18 years old and about to go off to study Medicine at university. I had always believed in God, due to growing up in a Christian household, but I didn’t properly think about it, question it and take it more seriously until I was 9 or 10 years old. It was then that my faith took on a central, vital part in my life. When I was 18, I realised that I had never been baptised and decided to do so. It was a public declaration of what had been happening in my heart for a long time.

Obviously my faith and relationship with God have changed a lot over the years. My faith certainly has been through the wringer. I cringe at some of the things that I believed to be true when I was 18; I hope that I wasn’t too insufferable! On this twentieth anniversary of my baptism though, I’ve been reflecting on my faith journey and wondering what I would say is key to my beliefs now.

‘God is love. Those who live in love, live in God and God lives in them.’
~ 1 John 4:16

This verse above succinctly sums up my view. Love is the basis of my faith. The love is God and comes from him. Through communing/praying/merging/becoming one (whatever word you want to call it) with God, that sort of love seeps into the very substance of my being and (hopefully) spills out to others as a result. His presence is at the core of me — Godself overlapping and interweaving with my self — so that you get moments of sensing who he is, his heart, how he feels about you, the world, and others. You get occasional moments of feeling or thinking things alongside him, one with him. This can include his pain too.

Hopefully I have gradually come to know a small part of who God is and I love everything about him that I have found. There is so much more to know than I could comprehend and much that I don’t understand but I’m intrigued to carry on along this journey of discovery, of questioning, of peeling away the nonsense and the facile. I seek truth, even if the answers that I find are different than I expected or more difficult than I ever imagined. I always want to know the truth of things. I suspect much will remain a mystery this side of eternity.

I’ve found that a sign of God’s presence in someone, even if one is unaware of it at the time, is a tenderness as God nudges one towards kindness, empathy, fairness and compassion. When hatred, anger or selfishness rear their heads, the tug on one’s heart towards love, understanding and empathy for the recipient of one’s anger or hatred, pulling your heart to soften; I suspect that is God at work. You have to want it and let it happen though. You can choose to ignore the tugs and nudges, you can harden your heart. That’s the choice that everyone has to make: whether to follow God and his ways in this manner or not. Choosing to follow those tugs and nudges from God is what being a Christian is, I think.

My attitude towards the Bible has definitely changed a lot since I was 18. I remember someone telling me when I was young that I would find the answers to all life’s questions in the Bible. I read the Bible a lot in my teens, both as a whole and in bits, many times. It definitely does NOT hold the answers to all life’s questions.

Many people seem to regard the Bible as the fourth member of the Trinity. In doing so, they make an idol out of the Bible. They worship it instead of God. The Bible is not God. It can point people towards finding God for themselves but it is not God himself. The Bible has to be taken in context of the times and cultures in which it was written. My current view is that the Bible is the story of how human beings’ idea of God gradually and slowly changed as God tried to reveal himself to humans in a way that we could understand. An unravelling revelation of God. There were many misunderstandings along the way though and we got a lot of things about God wrong, misunderstood him so fundamentally, as can be seen by what is written in the Old Testament, that God finally sent Jesus to show us who he really is. ‘This, this is who I am’ is what God shows us in Jesus.

Jesus shows us that everything boils down to how, as we learn to live loved by God, that love transforms our hearts towards naturally wanting to treat everyone how Jesus said:

‘In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the essence of all that is taught in the Law and the Prophets.’ ~ Matthew 7:12

I have a complicated relationship with the Bible and still struggle with it. I often actually find it more unhelpful and a hindrance towards knowing God, if not viewed through the lens of Jesus and what he brought to our understanding.

I still struggle with many things about God but I stand by what I wrote back in 2018:

‘I’ve been living with the realities of the non-intervening side of God for over fourteen years. It doesn’t get easier but I’ve also realised that my expectations were skewed by so much Christian teaching – that God always saves or rescues you and intervenes when you need it most and when you pray hard and passionately. None of this is actually promised in the Bible but, before becoming ill, I heard this preached so often.

People seem to need to believe that God will intervene in desperate situations for them, even though when looking at the world, you can see that’s not the case in most instances. It’s very rare that miracles happen.

All God promises is to be with us always, even if we can’t sense it or experience it in a tangible way. Getting to know the God who does not save, who does not help in the way that I want, has been both excruciating and, on the rare occasion when I feel God so close, his hand on my shoulder, that I can feel what he’s feeling and pick up a small slice of what he’s thinking towards me, it’s breathtaking and melts you, resting in that communing moment together. It doesn’t change the desperate situation you’re in, it doesn’t help in any way that you’re needing or wanting but it’s what’s there.

What strikes me is how vulnerable God makes himself. He risks losing people he loves and risks us ending up hating him when we feel so hurt by him when he doesn’t intervene or protect us in the way even any earthly loving parent would.

I don’t think he’s testing us and he definitely doesn’t want us in pain or any cruel nonsense like that. Instead, there’s the intense vulnerability of whether we’ll still love him back for who he is, not for what he does and whether we’ll still see the good in him. It might take a long time to get there and a lot of anger, hurt and feeling betrayed, which must be painful for him, but he just absorbs it while we wrestle with it all.

There is something special though when we do see his goodness and still love him, despite our anguish and what we perceive as his lack of action, and I think that melts him. This has been my experience.’

It does sometimes feel that there’s also a gaping wound at the heart of me, in the midst of God’s presence. Even though I may intellectually know the theological reasons why God doesn’t intervene in the way that we want and the way that we feel we need, it still hurts so much.

This is a little story of what it feels like: a king in a faraway kingdom has a 6 year old daughter who gets kidnapped by an enemy kingdom. The enemy king tortures this 6 year old every day but the good king can’t come and rescue his daughter because he can’t justify the tens of thousands of lives of his knights who would die in a battle to get her back. First and foremost, he has to put his responsibility towards his people first, his duty as a king. It is agony for him as a father but he can’t let his people die just to save one life, no matter how much he longs to. Years later, long after the daughter has been safely returned to her home and her father, even though she understands why her father couldn’t have come to save her when she was little, and even though she wouldn’t have wanted him to sacrifice anybody else’s life to save her, there is this great painful rift of a wound between her and her father. Because however much she intellectually knows that he did the right thing, part of her is still 6 years old being tortured and just wants her Daddy to come and save her. It hurts too much and that wound doesn’t feel healable or understandable. 

It’s a silly story but it has repeatedly stuck in my head as chiming true to what it feels like. Apart from I’m the one still stuck in a dungeon being tortured, wanting God to come and save me.

So my faith journey definitely hasn’t been easy but I wrote here in May 2023 about suffering and God:

I love that God is the exact opposite of an abuser. God never forces, never controls or coerces, never compromises our autonomy, our freedom of will or mind or crosses the boundary even to influence us in any way, apart from to share his love.

My experiences of awful, powerful people in this world, are that they always seek to control, to manipulate, use their cunning to influence, to curate people’s perception of them. I love that God is the opposite of that. That he goes to such great lengths not to do that.
The restraint and pain it must take, when he has the power to do anything. I imagine that he wants to use his power to intervene even more than we want it (which is a LOT), to stop our suffering (whether individual suffering or the larger collective suffering of natural disasters and war), the suffering of the people he loves. The restraint it must take to still not rush in to save people when we question his love and care and goodness for not helping, for not intervening. Because to intervene would somewhere along the line take away someone else’s autonomy, choice, their complete freedom, even if it is a person doing an evil thing. Even though it means that he doesn’t intervene when he would want and when we would want/need. Everything is sacrificed to protect our free will.

I used to be furious at him. I used to tell him that we are his responsibility; he created us so he should take care of us. But somehow, in order to prevent us losing freedom, freedom of choice and of belief, this is what seems is necessary. And he makes himself vulnerable to being hated by those he loves when he doesn’t intervene. Just so that he will never mess with our autonomy or consent or choices or thoughts. He never crosses the boundary to influence us. I love this about him. Because it means we can trust him. If God has gone to this much trouble and pain to keep our autonomy, then he’s not going to just throw all that out when we die. It must be key to everything.

So it is not a lack of power that restrains him but it is love that restrains him. Even though it feels like the opposite.

There we come full circle back to love. God is love. That sums it up.

13 thoughts on “Twenty years ago today, I was baptised. All these years on, what do I believe now?”

  1. Wow. That has given me much to think about. I never thought I’d ever read anything by anybody who approached this level of understanding and eloquence. Actually things I’d never thought of in that way, and I do a lot of thinking about God. Thank you. One day, perhaps I could tell you my interpretation of Jonah which appears different from others! Together with John Ruskin, he is one of my heroes. I think we all need mentors. Best wishes, David.

    • Thank you.

      I love the last chapter of Jonah. He’s my favourite character in the Bible. The relationship that Jonah has with God! They know each other so well. It’s more like what we would expect in contemporary times, or after the revelation of Jesus, certainly not expected in the Old Testament. We see a genuine, free, relationship where Jonah knows he can safely express his anger to a loving God. He’s shows no deference or “you’re-so-wonderful-God” -ness of the OT. Just pain, weariness, anger, betrayal, sulking and having it out with God!

      Jonah was ahead of his time in terms of the relationship he’s able to have with God. It really stands out against the rest of the Old Testament.

  2. Thank you for all of this Jenny.
    You continue to be in my prayers.
    (I did make a longer comment, but ‘lost’ it, by not pressing the comment button below!….

  3. I’ll try again……..
    Such a very interesting and deeply thoughtful piece of writing, Jenny.
    You could have been well ‘excused’ for writing a desperately sad, or negative resumé of your 20 years (since baptism); but instead you have produced a profoundly personal, and challenging story of life, and belief.
    I think I partially understand your physical limitations, (although I have not experienced them of course). What I read here, is from the heart, and of your soul. My prayer is, that you continue to inspire and challenge our Christian faith thinking. Thank you. xx

  4. I’m praying for you Jenny. Nothing can separate us from the love of God(Romans 8.31). I pray He surprises and delights you in ways beyond our imaginings. Psalm 139 comes to mind. 🩷🙏

  5. 55 years since I was baptized and I still live with the often acute depression that first hit me just a few years after that. Lately I have been feeling my life is already over and that there is no point to living any more (don’t worry, I have a husband, son and cat to look after so I’m not going to do anything rash). I know intellectually that this will pass but it never feels like it at the time. I can’t imagine how you live with your illness and still manage to contribute such inspiring writing. By the way I’ve been writing Bible notes for over 40 years and I concur absolutely with your view of the Bible: an imperfect record of a real relationship with a real God, showing progression in understanding over the centuries. For me Hebrews 1:1-3 says everything we need to know about interpreting it.

    • So sorry to hear about how badly the acute depression has affected you.

      I love how you phrased what you said about the Bible.

  6. Thank you for this Jenny. I love your insights which make perfect if difficult sense. You being together so many of my own faith random thought processes in such a cohesive way. I often read Psalms, the many references to God rescuing his people from all their suffering and shout out in my prayer, but you don’t Lord! You don’t always Lord. As I pray for family and suffering people groups around the world, for war torn nations, I’ll hold on to your final scentance – So it is not a lack of power that restrains him but it is love that restrains him. Even though it feels like the opposite.

  7. Thank you for this very thought-provoking article Jenny. What you said about God using ‘tugs and nudges’ is the best description I’ve read of the ways He gets our attention, I think. In the nearly 20 years since I was baptised as an adult, I know I’ve got better at recognising God’s ‘tugs and nudges’, but I still find it hard sometimes to be sure whether it really is Him or whether I just have an overactive imagination! In these situations I find the Bible is key – if an idea is consistent with scripture, I can be confident that it does come from God.
    2 Timothy 3:16 sums up how I view the Bible: ‘All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right.’
    I love it when I find something in the Old Testament that dovetails perfectly with something that Jesus said. For example, Jesus told us not to use superfluous words when praying (Matthew 6:7), and Ecclesiastes 5:2 says essentially the same thing in a different way. I find more and more of these connections – the whole Bible is like an inexhaustible mine of treasure!
    Reading and studying the whole Bible is also vital for understanding world events at this time. The tendency to lean on our own understanding, which Proverbs 3:5 warns us against, is ever-present and can lead us in the wrong direction. In particular, knowing what God has said about the people and land of Israel is becoming increasingly important.

    • There are as many opinions on what scripture says as there are people who read it. Everyone will interpret it differently and have their own ideas on how the Bible should be viewed and how it should be read. I don’t think it’s as simple as saying “the Bible says this”. You have to look at the historical contexts into which each bit was written and for whom some books might have been written explicitly (e.g. the letters). Human beings are fallible and it was human beings who put together the Bible as a whole, it was humans who argued and argued over which books should be included. We don’t know if they got it right. As my Mum always says, God gave us brains for a reason. We try to figure things out as best as we can.

      We get better at recognising God’s tugs and nudges over time, I think, and recognising his fingerprints. We may make many mistakes along the way and think things to be true that aren’t, but as long as we want our heart to beat with the rhythm of God’s heart and we keep trying to follow him as best as we can, that’s all we can do. Gradually the false stuff gets whittled away.

      I’m careful to never say “God is saying this to me” because we can never be certain. It’s better to say “I think God might perhaps be nudging my heart in this direction”.

      There is always that tension between imagination and faith. I love imagination so much and it’s a reflection of a part of God’s image in us. I love how much we can play. Playfulness and creativity are very dear to me.

      However, I don’t want to make up things that aren’t real. I don’t want to imagine into being, a God of my own making. I try to be careful. Imagination can also often bring in all the doubts and you wonder if you’ve imagined it all and none of it is true. But things that we imagine can also be true.

      When I was about 10 years old, I remember being on a long walk with my youth group and asking one of the leaders “how can you tell the difference between God and your imagination?”. The leader gave a fairly standard Christian response (‘you have to ask yourself if what you think God is saying to you fits in with what you see in the Bible’, ‘pray about it’, ‘ask some older Christians about it’) but it felt very unsatisfactory. That advice doesn’t help when you’re dealing with things that the Bible doesn’t cover or speak about or when other Christians don’t have any answers either.

      It’s important that the Bible isn’t idolised or thought of as God himself; the Bible isn’t the fourth member of the Trinity. The Bible is something to lead us to a relationship with the living God.

  8. Hi Jenny,

    I am going to message your inbox on FB, please can you read your “other messages”.

    I wanted to share some knowledge that I was taught at a book writing camp I attended, and it may help you raise money you need.

    I have published my own book and I am very close to publishing my 2nd book.

    You probably don’t remember me, but I do remember you 😊

    You were always one of the nice ones 😊
    Thank you 💖💖💖💖

    • Hi Frankie (do you still like to be called that or do you prefer Francesca now?). I remember you!

      That’s really kind of you, thank you. I’ve checked all the inboxes on Facebook messenger and can’t see anything at the moment so I guess that you haven’t sent it yet? I’ll check the ‘other messages’ every so often to look out for your message.

      Thanks so much. x

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